Forgiveness: The Spiritual Task of Marriage ♡
James Robert Ross, Ph.D., LMFT
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Ephesians 4:32).
Mature adults have the ability to tolerate imperfection and frustration without expecting that other people are there primarily to provide instant happiness and gratification. On the other hand, take a look at a typical eighteen month old toddler. When he sees something pretty, he wants to play with it–now, not later. When he is hungry, he expects to be fed–now, not later. When he feels like peeing, he lets go–now, not later. And he expects everyone around him to do whatever is necessary to make him happy without a thought as to whether they might be tired or hungry. That is immaturity, and the more that describes either or both partners in a marriage, the more certainly they will have a tremendously painful and unhappy marriage.
In spite of the fairy tales and love songs, no husband is a perfect prince charming, and no wife is a perfect angel. Good marriages are those in which the partners learn humility, patience and forbearance, the willingness to accept each other, including everything from wrinkles and varicose veins to bad breath and forgetfulness, without bitterness and without trying to make each other over into a storybook image. We must, in a word, grow up, not just physically or even emotionally, but spiritually. We must, in a word, come to be more like God, and coming to be like God means learning to forgive.
To the extent that couples learn to forgive one another, then to that extent have they not only developed individual maturity, but they will have also developed a truly spiritual marriage. Many books giving advice about building a Christian home mention prayer, Bible reading and church attendance, all of which are good habits. However, it is possible to do all these things without being one very spiritual. Indeed, I have seen spouses use all of these religious activities in a most unchristlike manner.
Forgiveness is another matter, and that does not mean merely repeating the words, “I forgive you.” It means really doing it. Of course, when it comes to forgiveness, God is the only one who knows how to do it very well. Forgiveness for us mortals is always fragmented, partial, grudging. Even when we think we have completely forgiven someone, we often discover ourselves feeling some residual resentment, or perhaps we tend to repeat the story of the injury, a definite sign of the inadequacy of our forgiveness. The truth is that when you truly forgive another person, a person who has unjustly hurt you, you are at that moment actualizing in this world a little bit of the power and love of God.
No question, forgiveness is hard. Indeed, apart from the grace of God, it is impossible. So, here are a few suggestions to set you on the right path:
• Clarify your hurt and validate your anger. If you have not been hurt unjustly, forgiveness is not an issue. Before you can forgive, you must be able honestly to say, “Yes, I have been wronged. I deserved better, and I have a right to be angry.” Forgiveness is not excusing.
• Forgiveness is an act of power. Victims do not forgive. Only those who are more powerful than those who hurt them can forgive. Pray for what Lewis Smedes calls “magic eyes.” Reframe your partner as weak and needy; look for the child, who is always a part of us no matter how old we are. Try to see this person as insecure and hurting rather than someone who just hurts you.
• Forgiveness is an act of grace dispensed by a superior, or at least an equal, of the person who has committed the offense. One problem in marriage is that spouses tend to “parentify” each other. That is, they see each other and respond to each other like a child would respond to a parent. When a spouse is critical, they experience it as if it were punishment from an angry parent. Forgiveness then becomes well-nigh impossible. That is why a demand for forgiveness from a parent for the abuse of a child or a demand for forgiveness from a domineering and abusive husband is totally inappropriate. If your husband is abusive, verbally, or physically, the abuse must stop, and a relationship of equality and respect must be established before forgiveness can be properly implemented. But assuming that abuse is not part of the picture, in order to forgive your partner, you must learn to see her or him as a frightened, weak, and needy child. You must understand that underneath some of your spouse’s most obnoxious behavior is a scared little girl or boy. Once you understand that, once you can see beneath the anger or the irritating behavior, forgiveness becomes a possibility.
• Make a decision to forgive. You don’t have to wait until you feel perfectly loving and kind to begin forgiveness. Perhaps you do not feel like forgiving your partner, even though you believe that ought to do so, and it is, in fact, what you want to do if only you had the strength. Then decide to do it. In forgiveness the mind and the will are primary. Don’ not pay too much attention to the emotions. Indeed, when it comes to forgiveness you must ignore your feelings and simply do it.
• Pronounce absolution: “In the name of Christ I forgive you.” This is not something you actually say aloud to your partner, not unless he or she asks for it. We all know how a declaration of forgiveness can be used as a way to say pharisaically and condescendingly, “Just to prove how much nicer I am than you, I will forgive you of that awful thing you did.” The declaration of forgiveness is something you do for yourself to help you implement your decision. Say it aloud, or better yet write it in your journal.
• Pray for your partner and ask God to bless him or her. Nothing helps forgiveness along more than prayer for the person who has hurt you.
• Finally, repeat all the steps above again–and again, and again.
From his cell in a Nazi prison Dietrich Bonhoeffer addressed the following letter to his sister on the occasion of her wedding:
“God intends you to found your marriage on Christ. “Wherefore receive ye one another, even as Christ also receive you, to the glory of God.” In a word, live together in the forgiveness of your sins, for without it no human fellowship, least of all a marriage can survive. Don’t insist on your rights, don’t blame each other, don’t judge, or condemn each other, don’t find fault with each other, but take one another as you are, and forgive each other every from the bottom of your hearts.
—Excepted from the author’s book, MY MARRIAGE MANUAL, available on Amazon.